age: 23
born: June 21, 1992
conscious or unconscious?
Conscious.
This entry is inspired by you, Clement. You took a taxi from North York at 5 in the morning to find me laying on the floor of the bathroom with my phone a meter away, puking uncontrollably.
The taxi was downstairs and yet I could not walk, could not stand up.
Breathing air was painful. Each time I tried, I started throwing up again. So you called for an ambulance.
You stayed with me throughout the entire night, gave them all my information as I waned back and forth from conscious to unconscious.
The five hours we spent in the ER were timeless for me. And though I did not die, something in me surely did.
That Dorrina.... that girl who punishes herself with sorrow. Who had needles in both arms, pumped with three different medications to stop the intestinal cramping and vomiting. The acids in my stomach were eating away at my intestines. Just as other emotions masked as love eat away at me. That which is not pure does not digest in me.
I throw it back up, these toxic relationships.
I promised myself that night, no more. No more of this life I live, change was long overdue.
In a few days, I embark on my healing journey to Brazil. And I say this to you, the Great Spirit, I intend to fold myself inside out and ask for the deepest kind of surgery.
Whatever anger, whatever grief and fear that lives in me, let it be to let go. I cannot host dynamics based on these states anymore.
Am I not a molecule of His grace, that vibrates with the same innocence and intensity that He bestowed upon birth to me? To long for Him, endlessly. I do.
I am married to you.
I never thought such nights would occur after the Full Moon eclipse ceremony with Natalie. I knew a great shift would occur but sometimes a great breakdown is the catalyst for such breakthroughs. Clement happened to be there that night, we invited him to participate.
With reluctance, you did. A week later we both ended up in the hospital. When I saw you laying unconscious, I thought you had died. Had it not been for Danisa, I don't know what I would have done. Stumbling out into the halls, shrieking for help. Neighbors opened their doors and poured into your home. I curled up into a ball on the floor and wept uncontrollably.
How quickly life can escape us...
One moment here and breathing, the next moment... gone.
In such impermanence, is not kindness then the one and only breath? That is the only air I choose to breathe. The only people I choose to keep close to me, committed to this unconditionally. Perhaps one day, when I am stronger, I may practice it in every interaction and speech. For now, I wield myself into silk for this transformation to take place. I know, like the caterpillar, the original form dissolves in order for wings to sprout. I know that when they do, it is only the beginning... for the struggle is what enables them to fly.
I am the end of all this, and look now toward a new beginning.
Through death, rebirth channels anew. How appropriate that it should be raining today, with this lake's view. I feel a sense of peace amidst the storm. Let the rain pour and cleanse my soul. Let it wash my body and prepare me for the cry. I am ready for what is to come. You have always taken care of me, so Spirit... why have I doubted you until now? Let this song below be my prayer and gratitude for you.
Her voice is the ache and affection that withstands each blow and caress. You know this.
I am entirely devoted to you.