| I never spoke to you, before you left. You, who would have been safely nestled in my arms now. You, whose karma I stole with tears in bloodied mess. I never had the means to bring you up, to raise you with him or without. I never wanted that life for you, a life similar to mine. One without a memory of a man not trying to fuck you. One of a father, brave and bold. A doting, loving father that loves his wife and lives for his children. This is what you deserved, so I gave you back and asked the ears of the sea and eyes of the wind to forgive me. But for the weeks that pass, with my eyes dry I beg to weep. And here, when I shed tears it's never for my broken heart or lost love, it always turns to you. I see women with their bellies swollen, glowing and radiant and I think of you. Of what you would be. Of what you could be. And I weep. I wish you were not conceived around the time of heartbreak and deceit. Maybe you descended to sew us back together, but you came too late. He never wanted you, or I.. despite my feelings for you. There was no consideration, or consolation. It was decided before even thought. I remember the moment I let you go, there in the clinic with his eyes on me, the nurse waiting for the papers to be signed. The pill was placed in my hand and they stood, expecting me to swallow. I could hear him sigh with relief when I drank it down. His selfishness to this day still astounds. That night the pain of dying, like an axe to the womb, tortured me. I felt myself die with you, I felt myself give way to light. At that moment I had wished for my eyes to close and never open again. I could not witness his tears and guilt ridden face. I could not witness the blood that flowed between my legs. Yes, in those days how easily I cried. Everything changed after that night, you know. A part of me is yours always wherever you go. And I hope one day I can love again. I hope one day I can feel love enter me and not think of you. Instead remember only the love. The love I bore for you. |
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