when all I want, is for you to see me.
Love. Connection.
These expectations we put on our parents, our partners, our children...
What if this hole is the aching need for something greater than anything this temporary world can give us?
It's easier when alone. When you accustom yourself to your own routine of doing things, you learn how to provide for yourself. How to nourish yourself. How to show up.
Then along comes someone else and your life now is no longer about you. You share your time, body, energy and space with them.
You give and you take. And those expectations you thought you had dealt with start to arise again from the shadowy terranes of your unsatisfied mind.
What you could give yourself, now you expect another to give you. Your time and energy are no longer solely for yourself.
And resentment builds.
Perhaps your loved ones are not as equipt to understanding you the way you desire, in the capacity and style you once gave yourself.
And resentment seeps in between the space of your embrace.
I always thought sex brings about deeper connection. But is sex also the reminder and the distraction from feeling complete within yourself?
Sharing your energy with your spouse in this way, becomes almost the gateway for the reintroduction of all these wants and needs.
This physical connection that parents, children and lovers have is unlike any other bond.
You both adore them and detest them. You love them so deeply, and resent the attachment that causes only suffering.
Who am I, without this person? Who am I with this person?
When all you want is to disintegrate, how do you indulge in the act of total integration?