There is a finnnnne line between the two! I trip and stumble over it all the time. Recently, I have gotten into a bit of struggle with how to proceed regarding someone who I know has a good heart but can be disrespectful and dominating. What's interesting is I am sure her opinions of me aren't too far from different. We are all reflections of one another, and I know this is an opportunity to humble myself and practice compassion not only for the other party but for myself but there is a block inhibiting me from doing so. Since I was blatantly insulted for cutting a conversation short, I ask myself questions like: "well who is more in the wrong?" Immediately, I think her and list reasons to support my case. Well I never insulted her. My mind is satisfied with winning the case in terms of who was "more" disrespectful. But my heart... My heart still hurts. For me, for her. For this whole ridiculous misunderstanding that neither one of us is ready to put behind us. But in all sincerity, seeing how spiteful this person was, had me jilted. I had begun losing respect for her, and I think sub-consciously she felt it and this hurt her deeply even though I never directly insulted her. I know if I extend the first hand, things will mull over, but I can't help that still a part of me would feel betrayed. Reaching out to someone who intentionally insulted me feels like I would be dis-respecting myself. It's like an indirect way of telling that person: "It's okay to say whatever you want to me, because I'll be the first to reach out and apologize. I am a doormat, I have no dignity." But then if we as beings extend beyond the limitations of "I" and "You", realizing that we are all one, then what is this all but just a game of pride? In truth, I still want us to be on friendly terms. So this is what I've concluded so far. We must first reflect, and want a resolution. Want peace. Not just intellectually, but from deep within our hearts. Then we must wait until forgiveness in ourselves organically sprouts. Otherwise, if you reach out through the intellect, before you are 100% sincere with yourself and ready to do so... that spite inside will always be nestled and waiting again to merge. I'll feel whatever I need to feel until I no longer have use for it. That is self-respect. Then when every aspect of myself is ready to reach out, I will. And then I'll have moved beyond this pride that suffocates nobody but its host - and I'll have known again that feeling of peace that I yearn for between myself and another. I guess to sum it up, we mustn't forget the power of prayer. Of asking sincerely from Spirit to guide us back to forgiveness of ourselves, of another. And then waiting, waiting... for that seed we planted to sprout one day. Not before, not after. Then we can act from a place of unity within, on that day. |
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Bold title, no? I thought it was clever ;) Well there really hasn't been any sex or weeping. A lot of productivity in work and academics. I feel like an instrument and conductor, fine-tuning myself to perfection. The level of dedication and drive is profound. I rise at dawn and bask in the light, soaking up the energy for a day of personal evolution. There is something lacking in my Aronofsky "Pi" ambition though. The sensuality that was so prevalent in the summer has frozen in these winter winds. When I imagine two lovers intertwined in their passion, they all but freeze before the snow beneath them can melt. My entire life I dug into the heat. The sweat. The earth, and her pulse. Effervescent in bold sentiment. Bodies wet, pressed down with feverish affection. Again and again. How I wrote about it, how I lived and breathed it. When in the fall, the leaves of this ardor would recoil for the season's finale, I would cling unready to let go and turn in. There is something about Autumn and Winter that beckon all of creation to draw in and reflect. It is a time of great healing. Of slowing down. Of intimacy with oneself. Most of us dread it, others keep themselves entirely occupied to avoid the surfacing feelings of all that has been internalized. Whatever lay dormant beneath the heat of Spring and Summer rise to be acknowledged, forgiven and released. It is a time of great transformation; in tarot - surely the Hermit appears to symbolize his guidance. I moved through these years with an overwhelming need for verbal and physical affection. Reassurance. Conversation. Spectacle and Distraction. During this past year, I have tried to be as present as I could in communion with each season's gift. I felt the buds bloom in Spring, as did my bruised and bloodied heart. In the summer, I felt the earth hot between my fingers and toes. I dug through the soil with my fingernails and felt her breathe slowly in July's smoldering heat. Summer drove my passions wild, compressed all the while, I felt at any moment I would burst. The Fall and Winter I find suit my temperament in the chapter of my life where I no longer feel the desperate need to be touched by another. I am frozen in a way, but this stillness I adore! There is a silence found in the blue dawn, something invisible and subtle that play my cells a wicked tune. It is so difficult for me to describe it in words, because the cold was always something I avoided, yet I delight in its temperament. There is a coquettish grace. Proud and dignified. In these winter wonderlands, I am falling deeper into the undiscovered waters of my soul. I am becoming crystallized.
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