On the road again. Wind in my hair, fire in my eyes... wishing everyone a happy new year. It marks the end of a 12 year cycle, and the beginning of a beautiful chapter, with the knowledge of the past, the blessings of the present... and the future to come, unfolding with ripe possibility. So blessed <3 Safe in it. Always, always. |
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This isn't a poem or sonnet. This is just for any person who wandered onto this page and by some strange serendipity, this applies to you...
If you are in an unstable, abusive, stunted relationship where you feel you are carrying all the weight emotionally and financially... STOP. If there is no grounds to trust your current partner, who has continually misused your trust by lies, deciet and betrayal... STOP. What happens is it takes a toll on your health, and if you are financially bound to each other either by contract or verbal agreement... and they bail... guess whose cleaning up the mess. You. Your credit takes the hit, collection agencies come after you, court dates get put up and you're sued for penalties you were stupid enough to make based on another person's empty promises of "for better or for worse" These days, you don't have to get married to go through a divorce. That not only leaves you with nothing, but leaves you to swim with sharks. On top of the emotional anxiety and depression that comes with heartbreak and betrayal, you are owned until your debt is paid, which accrues with each passing day. The next time you, my dear friend who are reading this feel compassion or empathy for your beloved's past suffering, have compassion for yourself. A partner is different than a patient. You're no one savior or therapist. What happens is they use you as a floating device then discard of you the minute the threat of sinking becomes the only option. As long as you're up and okay, you're needed. The minute you take a hit, they're no where to be found. Love yourself. Greatest lesson I ever learned.
What do you write about when all the words are used up? When sentences no longer hold the same meaning... when language becomes a resonant sound of gibberish.
I listen. I listen to the tone, to the energy behind each word, both uttered and recieved. I listen to the music of my breath, rising and falling... the tightness in my chest that releases by letting the grip of understanding go... Oh, this life... what a world we have come into. It is not without its trials, its lunacy and hypocrisy, but what a school for thought. What a gateway to step through the mazes and trappings of the limited intellect, and into the body and spirit of resonance. The duality that exists in this paradigm becomes the greatest teacher. That which once nourished, can and likely at one time or another, destroy. There is no permenance to anything. The tighter the grip, the weaker the connection. Devotion does not require so much effort. Devotion is a state of being. And here we were clamoring to attain this illumination and that, when all the while had we listened, that whisper said in a language older than Sanskrit, to let be. I watch my stomache expand with each breath, and fall into exhale. The stillness is so peaceful, that the mind cannot fathom it. But this is the only truth. There is no where to go, to where to be, no one to impress. There is only the now. And the stillness is the only permenance, in this dreaming state of transitioning. Obsidian marks the day. As the light this winter is swallowed by black fray, the time of salience draws near... and while the gentle hums of an angel brush against my ear, I take the plight with shedding abandon. Serpentine in quivering, your language has no form or resonance. Its translation is felt in the molecules of an ever expanding stargaze. As I drift, further and further into you... I rejoice in the unraveling of my life's decay. A storm hits the south, and from there we bear three days of rainfall.
Icy teardrops fall from the sky... the fire burns into the night. I lay awake unable to sleep here, despite the warmth and serenity of what I created. Sad embrace reveals the card. Everything I worked for, I must let go. Like an animal, I gaze at these walls and lament in how what was once a paradise now feels only like a cage. My anger fumes the fire... the strangers, sweet in temprament bask in how easily I ignite these flames. The heat swallows my emotions. Dries my tears, sucks the moisture into the vent that sends it back out into the rain. I have been dreaming of my master... I long to see his face. A girl of ten, with an amber necklace wrapped around her neck. I've been found again after fourteen years, but to what end? Now we rest in incubation, awaiting tomorrow which stretches endless, evasive and filled with uncertainty. I have accepted after so many years the traumas that have made a home into the webs of my mind. My nervous system dances in chaos, and bleeds my body into exhaustion. And in the dreams, my master calls to me... do not despair... that which you seek is what is seeking you. |
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