This isn't a very inspiring entry. I warn you: if you feel like shit already, don't read it. I'm so deep in my painbody tonight, I see no light to this darkness. feel like I'm suffocating in a silicone world. My generation is dead and gone. Sometimes I wonder if there's even in a soul these people. In a world whose history was filled with countless eras of youth revelations, instigating revolutions... I see only decay in our generation. Soul decay. The death of the spirit. Scattered escorts all over Yorkville, with their impeccable physical features and hollow, spiritless eyes.. They astonish you with their artificial beauty for a total of twenty seconds before they open their mouths to speak. Cold. Dead inside. And their dates or johns, rich businessmen whose eyes rake you over to quickly size you up as not a whore. Perhaps you're interested in the glittery lifestyle they can offer... Perhaps not. You speak of art and they put a price on the portrait. You speak of independence and humanitarian efforts and they but smile politely and mock you with their eyes. To be humane these days is to be naive. I feel my soul withering away. I want so badly to spread my laughter and light amongst this city, but am feeling drained as February approaches. I can't even enjoy the cold of winter, my body is frigid in a spiritual mess. All I want is tenderness and warmth. I can feel myself retracting into my shell. I am so disappointed with most people I come across. So heartbroken by the fear and superficiality that reverberates amongst this city, its people. My family and colleagues. Even myself. Maybe my desperation to get my own apartment is because I feel so consumed and overwhelmed. I find a bit of solace when I have some time alone. I crave it... but then wonder if I don't find some tolerance or compassion - I'll end up a spinster with 20 cats whose abandoned all relations with people. How can I build boundaries? I talk about it all the time, but I still struggle. I just absorb all the undercurrents of what goes unsaid. What is not processed within people, and what fear and mental anguish lays dormant inside them. I feel like a Brita filter. The truth is, our society has Peterpan syndrome. No one wants to grow up, because they think it means grow old. And they believe "old" these days is death, not wisdom. Kids my age and older bar-hopping for a decade and whining how they can't find someone decent to be with. Drug use. Messy, disorganized. Making lots of money and indulging oneself in the most excess, sickening way. Here I get up and press myself against the bodies of half-awake zombies before dawn to commute through a wormhole and be on time for class. A program devoted to community services, when just now I realized --- after watching my cousin and her friend spend half an hour drooling over some local DJ who views and treats women like disposable objects, acknowledging his intentions and continuing anyway ---- I have no interest in the community anymore. And yet... no matter where I travel or move to... there's no damn escape. This world is a bottomless void of lost souls and their stubborn devotion to their own vanity. Disgusting. |
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Categories
All
Archives
July 2022
|