And with great difficulty I find these days, words sewn together to express. Writing has become a chore, and I have no found satisfaction or accurate description in what I long to translate.
But I will try nonetheless, and hopefully it does not sound entirely insincere.
Mmm... my heart bleeds today with deep longing. I miss my master. Though each night I sleep in his temple... it does not soothe, it aggravates. At night I lay awake, battling myself without proper understanding as to what it is I feel.
My sexuality is intertwined with this longing, for the faceless figure of resurrect and total beauty. I am made to worship in physical form.
My heart knows this prayer and practices it with abandon, but my body writhes in discomfort, feeling all too left out.
On the brink of erupting, I cry out and shake. I shake uncontrollably, to the misunderstanding of men.
Serpentine, fevered and wanting... I mistake my own longing for sex.
Yet sex is only a tiny fraction of what this body needs. I seek to break into tiny fragments of light and explode into itself, shedding and coiling out, the death and birth of the Great Snake.
Hovering between the gateway of life and death. Sex and Meditation are the only bridges I know, and I long to merge them.
In my limitation, I need a partner to practice this alchemy with. I have not yet learned how to create the 8 myself. The infinity, the recycling and reincarnate.
I want to learn.... I need to learn not to need anything. But instead to hold that grace and erupt from the belly and the breast.