| Haha! So we asked for people of utmost integrity to surround us, did we? People of consistency... those who are grounded. Andddd, surprised is me when some of those friends fell off the edge of my earth! I spent last night feeling angry, hot tears stream down my face. It's hard for me to let people in, really in. Close to me, beneath my skin. I wish I was grounded enough to be unwavered by the cowardice and selfishness of others, but not yet. I'm still insecure and sensitive. I take it personally... maybe too personally as a Cancer-crab is known to. But what can I say? Being born on the cusp of Gemini/Cancer makes me a little crazzzzzy! So what happened wasn't even all that important, whatever story triggers the change or chapter flip, I am in a state of constant flux. If I indeed came to this planet to learn to trust and let go, then my life I am sure will be a series of upheavals, nothing lasting too long for me to latch onto with a sense of security and comfort. My life will ground, when I learn to strengthen these roots of mine. My life is a reflection of my soul's karma. Before I get into "ask and you shall recieve." I want to say something amazing happened just now, sitting here at Timothy's Cafe, typing. Last night I had plans to go dancing with a long-time childhood friend of mine who is notorious for being Marilyn Monroe late. For those of you unfamiliar with Ms. Monroe's habitual lateness (I'm talking like FOUR to TEN HOURS of keeping people waiting) it's what eventually got her fired off the set of Something's Got to Give <<< which is an interesting, coincidental title, I might add. I seriously flipped my lid yesterday evening. I hadn't gotten that angry since the summer, which was again at her, for being 5 hours late on the eve of my birthday. God, half a year later - even thinking about it still makes me angry. Not at her though. At myself. Which is no better, really. I am so frustrated at myself for making the same mistakes and expecting different results. I should have known, yet acted so surprised last night as if I didn't know this is how she's like. (When I moved here, last April, she was two and a half hours late picking me up!) I sat at the airport trying not to have an anxiety attack because here's the kicker - when people leave me waiting like that it triggers SEVERE abandonment issues for me. When my mother was pregnant with me, my father was never around. He would pop by here and there, as his family was last priority in his life. She would spend day after day, waiting, waiting and waiting for him to arrive... I think this affected me somehow while in the womb. Because nothing angers and freaks me out more than having to wait long periods of time for someone who makes a bunch of excuses each time and repeats the same actions. Those who don't understand the physiological affects it has on one's body will never be able to understand. I've been called too demanding, impatient (uh, excuse me! 4 hours of waiting is WELL PAST PATIENT) and melodramatic. Who cares though? I'm not looking for sympathy. I'm looking to heal myself, and let go of this trauma. I asked for grounded people. I asked for cleanliness, organization, diligence, perseverance, loyalty. In myself and those around me. You know what happened first? Certain people were plucked out of my life, one by one. Now there's this huge gap of where they occupied themselves in my world. And I'm filling each space with love for myself. At first, it's quite forced. I seriously had to reaffirm it like hundred times, because all you want to think is how stupid you've been. How you should never open up and trust people. To just rely on yourself all the time and never let others do nice things for you. No. If I want a more peaceful, sincere way of relating to others then I must learn to let go, and stop trying to be in control all the time. So here I am sitting and reflecting - trying to figure out how to write this... and I see this one-year old baby girl wanting to grab the iphone out of her mother's hands. They're all trying to take a selfie, but the baby is just hell bent on this phone. Her entire universe has closed down to a singular, narrow perspective of "I. Want. Phone. NOW." She's blind to the experiences of other things around her. The joy of her mother and sisters, the picture being taken, the people walking by. As long as she doesn't get that phone, she won't be satisfied. She'll continue to live in a state of anxiety, reaching in vain for the phone. The more she reaches, the farther the iphone goes from her little hands. That's life, folks. If you want something. Just ask, with gratitude and sincerity. Then let go, and live your life. Don't just sit there now, waiting. Waiting for when it will come, how it will come. Why hasn't it come yet???? I'm WAITING, why isn't it here!?!? Then off you go on your desperate mission to making it happen yourself, because you don't trust you've been heard. And oh! What a mess you make in the process. All in vain. Ask, and continue to live your life. Trusting it will unfold as it is meant to, when it is meat to. Meanwhile, you're not waiting; you're too busy living. |
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