I thought to write even though lately I haven't really anything to say in text. The poetic juices that were flowing in the summer seem to have come to a screeching halt in this frozen wind. The air is beyond crisp outside, and I am trying to delight in the way it smacks my face every time I leave through the doors of a heated building. But in all sincerity, I can feel my organs recoil in such unwelcoming temperature. And it is only going to get colder! I guess what I want to speak about is knowing one's own boundaries. This is very important to learn in the school of life, is it not? But to understand and honor one's boundaries, we must first be sincere with ourselves to recognize where the limits are. Being an overly ambitious person, I tend to take on way more than I can actually handle. I would like to think I have an appetite as vast and deep as the ocean, but in reality, my sensitive temperament can only handle small doses of intensity at a time. The irony is almost painful, because I yearn for intensity with every fiber of my being, and yet get overwhelmed and need to retreat back into the warmth and familiarity of my own solitude to replenish what has been taken away. The truth is nothing that belongs to you can ever really be taken away. This is all an illusion, but I'm no Zen master yet ;) I feel as if sometimes I have no skin and let people's energy enter into me, and take whatever I freely give them. Then, as if overnight, I am completely vamped and feel exhausted without knowing why. I later unconsciously turn cold and detach from these loves of mine whom only just the day before I lavished with attention and affection. For fear that I will give again more than I can. I move through the world through energy and feeling. My entire being is like a raw nerve that reacts to my surroundings. Can you imagine someone with this level of sensitivity venturing into the chaos of broken people's lives? Yet it happens time and again, somehow I find myself in the midst of it and wonder how the hell I got myself here once again. In reality, everyone has a broken piece inside of them that must be honored and if I cannot do so, I have no business being in their lives or involving myself in ways I cannot deliver. I am committed to learning about these boundaries and honoring myself and others. It isn't anyone's doing but mine, so why should they have to suffer by my sudden cold shoulder, when all I'm really trying to do is replenish what was lost? I am not at the level of understanding to even write about "boundaries" because it wasn't until very recently that I realized I am without them. Just because you can say no to a man's advance, or to a cigarette or a late night out does not = boundaries. It is far deeper and more to do with energetics. Listening to the gut. Honoring the body. And my body's maxed out, exhausted. Jilted. Why have I been pushing myself for the past two months, way out of my comfort zone and convincing myself it was selfless? It was service? To whom? Why have I been doing all this, if in all sincerity, when finally I fall ill, I feel resentment creep? Humm... sometimes I feel like a crawling baby when all I want to do is move mountains but, it is time to slow down I think. |
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Categories
All
Archives
July 2022
|