Over these short years, I have gotten such sweet messages from people that have expressed their love for my writings. And I thank you. I never really acknowledged how your words have warmed my heart and inspired me to continue to write.
I wonder for those who follow me, will the reoccuring themes bore you... but what can I do... my heart has been occupied by my previous relationship that did not end in debauchery, in deceit... but in something I have little experience in. Death.
I wrote about it poetically for many years. Oh, in verse how sweet the experience is...
I am no stranger to passion or melancholy. They have dominated the majority of my life so far... but this...
What can I do, but write and write?
I have locked myself in isolation like my lover. How could he even hear the words of a hypocrite that says "don't lock yourself away." But does the same when he turns the other way?
Three years of not smoking, of eating healthy... I have reduced myself to ash and wine....
Like a sappy film, I sit and feel sorry for it all. Waiting for my departure to Spain, all the while tormented inside.
The world is circular, where is there to run to? No where. My tears will be awaiting me there too.
They say time heals all wounds, but time in this case will bring around his decline as well.
It kills me that I never got to say goodbye...
Our last times together were sewn in anger and grief.
He did an excellent job building a fortress around himself. Didn't he know his tears brought down the wall between us in a way my tears never could?
I've never met someone more broken hearted than him. Never. And through my strange, windy path I thought I had come across the most tortured until I met him.
I am tired of this withering, without any desire to forgive or heal. I want to heal, why did I attract someone that gave up on life, brought me close only to shut me out at the end?
This isn't kindness, he's not "saving me" from grief. But I know my devotion to his life was more than his. Perhaps it was the voice of God that said, let go child. Let go.
But I can't. I try everyday to occupy my thoughts with other things, and am haunted as each day breaks into night.
If I had one wish, it would be to see him radiating with love. Not for me, or anything this life can bring... but love as a current that sweeps all in before death.
Perhaps love and death are the same things in different lyrical form.
But I don't want to wait until he's gone for him to come into it.
I just wanted him to drown in love before life carried him into the next chapter. We are still here, you see.
Will I find you again in another life? I don't know... all I know is this lifetime, these eyes that saw me blurry when we made love.
These lips that covered mine in totality.