| Is there even a difference? I have been mulling this over since I was thirteen when my first boyfriend refused to come up this huge hill on his bike to see me. I remember it clearly. I was raised very Persian it seemed, to regard myself as a kind of princess in which I only accepted the proposal of complete gentlemen. Imagine my surprise during puberty to discover that prince charming was a myth! The sweet, pudgy boys with kind eyes and no sexual ferocity were always cast off as friends to their sad disappointment, and alas - the indifferent assholes were the ones who had too many women on them than they could count. The criteria for getting gorgeous women was possessing masculine features, being good kisser, having slight apathy and a big dick. Whether or not you could even use that dick properly was irrelevant. Ladies literally would flock to them in groups. Men that never called when they said they would. Men that kept you at third or last priority. Men that would never spend beyond their limited generosity. I could not believe then, even now, how these men are the dominant pussy-getters of our modern era. They treat it almost like a game of hoops. How many can YOU score in one day? Forgive my crass humor... I digress, back to one of my earliest experiences with the opposite sex. So this boy was named Nick, and had a kind of rugged handsomeness, sensitive deep down bad boy thing going for him. And the funny thing was I wasn't all that attracted to him to begin with but at thirteen I began to get tired of never having a date or someone to call me because my expectations were much higher than the girls around me. Yes, folks, THIRTEEN. Little chickies are chirpin' real young these days, Jesus. Now luckily, our relationship only lasted two weeks and didn't reach past the 1st base, but I realized early on I would either have to lower my expectations and sneak out in the middle of the night to meet my boyfriend at the BOTTOM of the hill because he was too lazy to climb all the way to the top, or not see him at all. The first night I refused, offended and up all night, angry that he didn't budge. I thought surely he would come anyway, but sure enough, he headed back home on his bike after I refused to walk alone in the middle of the night, half a mile down my neighborhood, to the bottom of the hill. The next night though, it was me that gave in. And so the introduction to my love life began then, of me lowering my expectations to get male attention, otherwise it was like an abandoned highway of dry desert lands. I began to dress differently, and it worked. The less clothes I wore, the more attention I got. Ding, ding. For every value my mother instilled in me, I abandoned them, one by one, delighting in the male attention. But what kind of attention? All the men were interested and after one thing, and I was NOT prepared to compromise that. Later in my adolescence I did, to a friend of mine which to this day I still don't regret. But love and relationships to me was for so long impersonal and transitory. My values changed in my later teens and it was then I thought I would rather be single and alone for the rest of my life than compromise my values, however rigid they may be. So I attracted a semi-decent - what at first was a gentleman - who once I fell in love with - changed to be a self-serving, inconsistent, deceptive man. But this happened when in the beginning, I once again COMPROMISED my values because I loved and respected him more than myself. After that car accident of a relationship, here I find myself in the same exact place I was in at thirteen. I wonder if history just keeps repeating itself, regardless of whether or not we learn and acknowledge the lesson? It's like the same damn song that just keeps playing on the radio which at first you loved but have grown to hate because it just keeps playing OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Like, if I hear that same fucking song play ONE MORE TIME - I swear to God I'm going to blow my bloody brains out. So here I am observing myself and the women in my life, and yes they have ALL compromised for the sake of their relationships. I cannot tell if I refuse to compromise or to settle. My values have sky rocketed to unrealistic expectations that I refuse to compromise if I am to allow myself to become emotionally invested in a relationship. I thought I could date casually and impersonally and realized quickly on that I cannot. So there goes that alternative. The truth is, we live in such an impersonal society these days, nobody really integrates values in their actions even though we all recognize and admire these qualities. It's kind of tragically unfortunate. I have this idea in my head of what it is that I want, and I just won't settle for anything less. Does this make me selfish and uncompromising, maybe. But at least I'm beginning to enjoy my own company, regardless of attention or not. For the first time in my life, I look in the mirror and VALUE myself, regardless of the opinions of others. And that - I wouldn't compromise for anything. |
1 Comment
Junyan
3/19/2015 06:08:05 am
Never compromise. And never give up.
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