| Sleep claims the night and day. I am fading into the other worlds... My lids drop heavy, the gravity inside me is thick with a magnetism that pulls everything down. I think I have wanted for so long to die, that I feel now the beginning bud of this wish take blossom. Life calls to me from every corridor yet I turn my gaze away and retreat into this familiar shell. I am tired, and brittle. Like a cracked china, adorned for so long... I wish to fall and break into a thousand pieces. Just let me go. Tears stream down my face even now as I write this, currents refusing to cease. This is the most honest me. Trapped and lodged somewhere deep inside, I cry for death to come. I can feel my spirit detaching from my body these days, right before I wake. There is that still moment where I am deciding to come back, and with great effort, rest inside this shell again. Not in all the way, somewhere in between, my waking world becomes a struggle as I force my spirit back into this cage. This one beautiful cage, the skin of me I've grown to love and adore. Youth paints a portrait of wonder, and I see it now fully because of this detaching. Long ebony hair cascading down curves of flesh... Her lips are still full and supple, eyes shimmering dark and wet... yet the real artistry is found behind the mannerisms of God's marionette. The spirit in which she looks at you, searching for totality in the missing pieces of human beings. The song in her laughter, the warmth that spreads like the sun across her face. Detaching from this artistry has become the hardest. I don't know if my body will choose Life or Death as I cocoon in this process awaiting the finale. I must have been born already with a broken heart, as it takes nothing these days for tears to fall. Physically, I grow frailer then the day before. The man I loved who is dying has more of a will to live than I. All it took was meeting him, the last catalyst to set my world ablaze. I have been seeking to unite for so long with my Maker that in the process, I have burned myself to ashes. I have not finished what I've come here to do, but I feel myself disappearing already. They say when you are close to death, your spirit further separates from your body, and you see yourself from two different pairs of eyes. One that begins floating, and the other that drags on heavy like cement. Without the spirit in there, the body sinks with gravity and becomes a decaying shell. My lids have become too heavy to remain awake, I turn for sleep again. But listen to me... I am not going anywhere until I have finished what I came here to do. You can comatose me, make me sick with vertigo and fatigue... I will not give up like some coward. I've gone through each lifetime crying out to you, only to be sent back here again and again. This is the last time. I will finish it, so whatever energy I need, send it to me on this plight. Reconnect my spirit and my body, sew them back together to give the necessary strength and support. I am a lover, don't you see? And only your true lovers are warriors that endure. |
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