And even with the gentle whispering of omens that foreshadowed this, I did not imagine it would turn out this way.
The simple truth is, you can pick a card in a deck that speaks to you of events to pass... you can even dream it before it happens but when it does, the experience is what really counts.
Life is a mystery to be felt. And it is the discovering, that it reveals itself.
I can only describe it from my own experience, as hers is very different I'm sure. But it was our expectations that drove us apart, in the end though, what severed the fragile thread that bound us together was not selfishness as I thought earlier this morning. It was makhtub. It was to be, for reasons beyond our understanding.
I remember when her mother dropped us off at the airport, she said: "you girls be safe, look after one another. Take care of each other." I hugged her, and thanked her for the lift. When I turned back around, Natalie was gone. She had already disappeared into the airport. I spun around and asked her mother half-jokingly "Where did she go!? Here one minute, gone the next." Her mother laughed.
"Off to a good start!" I laughed it off, but something in me knew.
Early this morning, she packed the rest of her belongings and rushed downstairs. I scrambled around the apartment, half-asleep, putting my last minute things together, and rushing after her down the stairs.
It wasn't until we were approaching the airport that I realized I forgot my cellphone back in the apartment in Copacabana.
It had been days that the feeling of distress grew rampant inside of me. I realized before even reaching Brazil, that the partner I came with was primarily interested in herself and the needs of others came secondary.
We were both sick, but her limitations to outings did not bother me in the least. I came here for healing, not for carefree fun in Rio. The explorations of Rio was like a cherry on top of the cake, but I was not attached to it. The only outing I wanted to participate in was spending time with my friend Ana in the Zouk community, here in Rio. Which bothered Natalie when I told her back in Toronto.
Her plans were interrupted by her own health and mine, timing, and lack of comradery.
I wanted to look after my health, and with gastritis, you cannot spend long periods in the sun. So, our outings were mostly separate.
I didn't mind at all, but I could tell it bothered her quite a bit. My reluctance to do everything she planned for each day felt like a personal rejection to her. As each day passed, her health improved and mine worsened.
Bouts of vertigo and intestinal cramps propelled me to want to stay in more and rest.
It wasn't that I was looking for her to support me, but her indifference and even judgement is what made me feel unsafe.
I felt like I was completely alone in a foreign country, sick, with someone who did not care in the least that I, too, was recovering.
Why is it when someone is sick, they expect all the compassion and understanding but when others fall ill, its too much for them to reciprocate the same tenderness. The brands of indifference and coldness hurt the most.
I took comfort in the warmth of the locals here, the kindness of strangers... when my own partner's energy resembled that a noble who if, her every expectation was not appended to, grew stale with resentment.
But even as our differences grew, never did I imagine she would just leave me there in the Rio airport. If it were her phone that was left behind, she would be asking me to pull out my laptop and connect to the wifi so she could contact the landlord immediately.
I asked her to connect on her phone, and she insisted after check in.
She checked in, and stood there waiting. I was still in line. Everything she did on her accord anyway, in truth, I was tired of rushing behind.
After all, this was a trip I took for myself too, not for someone else. And because of all this rushing, I left my phone behind. All my bank account information on that stupid little device.
I asked her again to connect to this wifi and get the number, and on that note, she halted me.
In her eyes I saw only spite. I saw someone who was too consumed with her own survival, her own needs that the needs of others were only a burden to her.
Annoyed. Irritated. A burden. That's how I felt from the minute I came to her apartment in Toronto to head for the airport.
Her mother warned me she would be crabby because of her cold, but I laughed it off thinking we would both take care of each other.
Now, when I needed some assurance, at least some kindness... instead stood an absolute stranger whom I had entrusted my money, time and security to.
All the hotel bookings were in her name. I handed her over money blindly, thinking we would be traveling together. I told her I wasn't getting on a flight with someone who didn't care in the least bit about me.
She said, "do what you want Dorrina."
And watched me leave. I stood outside the exit door of the airport, crying. I didn't know what to do. Without my phone, I was even more helpless. I would have to call the credit card company and shut down my account, which would give me no access to emergency funds. All this played through my head as I stood there feeling completely helpless.
People came to me.
In a language completely foreign, we communicated. Because, I tell you this... in all these travels... love really is the universal language.
You can have someone with you that speaks the same language and drives you further into confusion. It is the energy of compassion and care that is communicated because two hearts.
Fifteen minutes past, I came back in through the entrance and she was no where to be found. She had already gone in through the gate, leaving me in to make my own decisions.
A feeling of relief as well as heartbreak rode over me. I didn't know whether to sigh or weep.
The flight attendants agreed to change my flight to later in the evening so I could return back to Copa and get my phone.
The journey there was merciless. The cabbie and I sat in traffic for over an hour. Tears streamed down my face the whole way back.
Even if someone wronged me, I would never just leave them helpless like that at an airport. I would never, never..... my thoughts drifted into silence. I realized this too was an expectation. That someone should act in the way that I do.
The reality was this. And had it not been for the numerous strangers I encountered after Natalie's departure whose kindness aided me, I could not sit here and write so calmly.
Strangers that give so unconditionally, so selflessly. So helpful, and they don't even know me at all. Pulling out their phones and helping translate... one after another, made me trust in this foreign country that only moments ago I felt so lost in.
I'm home. I whispered to myself. Not because I was in Brazil, but because that same Spirit lives within me. Looks after me no matter what catastrophes come my way.
I came back to the apartment and saw my phone sitting there innocently on the couch. As if nothing had happened at all. Hell had passed before noon.
Now, with a flight booked later and no hotel to go to in Brasilia, I started to look at places in Abadiania. How to get there from the airport, where to check in to.
All the liberties I had given to her, now became a cruel fate for me to swallow. Half my money with her, and no place to sleep tonight. I decided I would not let a money penalty be what broke me.
Money is energy abundance, and if I live with that abundance in my heart, I will never feel poverty again like I have for all my life.
The Universe provides, provides, provides.
The Universe protects, protects, protects.
In this lonesome, in the feeling of utter abandonment which has been one of my deepest scars of grief I chose to be held.
I am preparing now to head back to the airport for my flight. I leave in an hour. Adventure awaits outside these walls, and even more so when I arrive to another state in Brazil with no contacts or reservations.
May God be with me. I hold on my heart in this prayer.
I am Alone, but I am held.