Wherever you go, the sky is blue. the grass is the same color on the other side. Suffering, it exists everywhere. Beauty... can be found in every corner of the world. So what now? When for years and months you spent working toward a goal, you arrive and look around realizing the only thing you carried with you was yourself. I won't pretend otherwise; I have been having a difficult time living here. It's not a vacation for me, despite the abundance of nature. It has been an incredible emotional adjustment. I've never felt more displaced. And although I am here with my partners constantly, I have never felt more alone. There is nothing familiar here to connect to the comfort of my past. I feel like a pebble thrown into a vast sea, wondering for that short, deciding moment whether the waves will carry me... or whether I will sink straight to the bottom. There are many moments in the day where I just wish to escape. It has been the hard work and commitment of the past year that has me enduring these heavy emotions. Enduring the relentless heat, and resentment of the locals I came to work for. The second week has been a complete shift of perspective. We spent these days adapting and adjusting ourselves to our students, environment and locals here in the small town of Port Antonio. The poverty creates another kind of competition. Where in Toronto, it is fast-paced and cold. Here, people jip you left and right, all the while smiling - assuming that because you are foreign, you have loads of money. In reality, the three of us are young students, on a tight budget - barely with it enough to get through a day. This evening especially, I feel as if I have run a 20 mile marathon. I am so exhausted, in every aspect of my being. The disappointment presses me, along with the guilt. Ever present. I spent so many nights dreaming of when I would finally arrive, only to have my deeply rooted fears and habits thrown back into my face. My lack of stamina. The anxiety, restlessness and mood swings that have me wishing I could just escape this place. But I know it isn't here. See, wherever you go, you can be sure to take yourself alongside with you. There is no escape. There comes a time where no outside distraction or addiction can give you relief. There are times where life puts you into a corner and makes you face what you have been hiding and running from since the beginning. Yourself. |
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Categories
All
Archives
July 2022
|