I closed my eyes for a moment, taking the feeling in. The sounds of languishing waters toppling each other like children. Sexless and without danger. The ocean never looked more innocent.
And yet my mind...
the shadows complacent had awoken to new-found pain buried layers deep and rediscovered for repair.
Repair the severed nerve endings that make me so destructive and deep... that make this poetry seep into the etch and crevice of similar minds. Too self-indulgent with fabricated despairs...
but it does not soothe the suffering any more to know it is a phantom. Phantoms, whether real or not, haunt all the same.
A dear friend of mine sits next to me and watches the sea silently. We share the same thoughts but there is no comfort in that. He has settled for self-imposed defeat. He has settled for lovers that love only projections of an unavailable man who can penetrate but never let the memory in. He knows this. He holds my hand and tells me how perfect the poetry of us would have been together. I shake my head with eyes cast back to the sea, he does not look, he knows already.
You can love someone broken, but how can you build anything? With those chasing their shadows only present with you when chasing death. Their passion aches for it, their tears and silence. These lovers do not merge to birth, they consume. They open themselves to greet that where the ecstasy of abandon waits.
Abandon of self. Of loathing.
The thought of the end incapsulates the living. With dread, some crawl while others forge ahead. They eat and drink compulsively, violently making themselves sick. They do not make love, they fuck until skin peels, bruised and raw. The vein of our throat throbs between hungry teeth. I ache to bite down, to fill my mouth and feed.
I am grafting now, with words. Possessed. Darkness fills the perimeters of I and you. Where one part of me wishes to meet, the other part embarks to defeat.
And smoke builds torrid in my throat as I suffocate on unformed words. I bleed and I don't know why.
Those that love me are more broken than I...
those whom I love are destined to die.