Nearly two weeks of unsettling, restless nights. No sleep. Staying awake till dawn with different people, all of them to me strangers. I kiss one, I hug one, I laugh and eat with these new friends of mine, and yet everyone remains a stranger. I don't feel anything anymore. I push and probe myself to feel something and rejoice in any sensation, even if it's pain. What trauma carries on and manifests itself whenever there is remote intimacy? I want to weep but there are no tears to shed. I feel I might die, feeling my eyes well and my heart sink ready to cry out, to shudder in the release of pent up sorrow. But there is nothing. The tears are swallowed by the void. As is everything else. I thought to let my body be touched by another, I thought that would help me feel, since I have been closed off for so long. But I pushed him off of me and began sobbing uncontrollably. The tears felt hot and true, and for a moment I delighted in the feeling before everything shut down once again and the wetness on my face dried too quickly. My anxiety brews beneath the surface and lately I have been cheating on my body. Consuming alcohol until I can feel something stir, a toxic pain that runs itself in my veins. My body hates alcohol, and nicotine. But then again, it aches for sex yet recoils at any touch, so I am this bird and I am caged. Here for all to admire, and then cringe to see. I see sadness on men's faces. I see desire on men's faces. They make an interesting match. Sadness and Desire. Well these are the ingredients that make up me. I hope I escape the Void, or it completely swallows me. There is no peace in this silence. Apathy has become me. |
1 Comment
Lucky
8/27/2014 07:55:55 pm
Phosphorescent - Song for Zula
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